Send him some light and love every time you think of him and then drop it.
When people ask me why I have a pen in my hand when I read a book I simply just say, "I'm an active reader." I draw circles, harsh underlines, and brackets around phrases, words, and paragraphs that in that moment spoke to me. Consoling myself through airport time I picked up "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabteth Gilbert. I remember when everyone was really hyped up about the movie and was reading the book. It's an ironic thing that happens to me, I almost think that it's partially because I'm a smart-ass but when everyone is really into something-- may that be a book, band, or movie-- I am immediately turned off by it. However, in the universe's weird twist of fate I watched the movie one night out of boredom and was completely taken back by it. What this woman did in her times of depression and struggle was something I have always wanted to do. To gain even the slightest bit of courage and take off to find the richness in life, find that peace within yourself, and hopefully find yourself while your at it. So when I was browsing through stores in SFO yesterday, the book instantly came to mind. I feel like you encounter things in you life when you most need it. You don't know why, but titles come to your mind or a movie you want to see. Somewhere their is a lesson needing to be retreived from it's treasury grip. That's exactly what I found in between the book binding.
It is the hardest thing for me to introduce someone new into my life. I get use to routine and aloneness that someone coming around and making you want something different really spins me into a clusterfuck. I use to always think the purpose had to be clear, you had to walk into it with a clear goal in mind of want you both wanted in the outcome. Yes, I'm naive and don't know much about relationships. In the beautiful way that only life can do it, you sometimes find yourself dipping your toes in the water and feeling it out. Is it too cold? too warm? Do I really want to get all the way in? & before you even have a chance to know it, your knee-deep.
Now don't get me wrong, it's a completely terrifying feeling but oh, is it magical. Terrifying I say in the sense because for a girl who likes to always do things with meaning, sometimes that's the one thing you can't figure out. You can't figure out why you like the smell of their skin after the shower or the way their arm feels draped over your shoulder. You couldn't possibly fathom why you find yourself in the most intimate situations when you couldn't even muster up a sentence or two to answer the question, "What do you like about them?"
I think life (God, moon, universe, stars...) shell out experiences in order to press the more crinkled aspects of ourselves. They shell them out and we decide how exactly we want to digest them in the internal sense. It's something that I need to understand about not being able to know everything ahead of time. I can't possibly know the meaning of this person within a week of conversation. I can't expect them to know either. Ultimately, I can't expect from them what I damn well don't expect from myself.
Aside from the scariness, feeling emotion towards someone else is a entrancing phenomenon. All of the sudden, someone who maybe wasn't so attractive to you just became the world's best prize. You find the glitter of the sun in their smile and hope to the great God that they find something wonderful about you. They are a new treasure you found and if you play your cards right, they'll allow you to open the chest and dive in. Sure, I'm use to playing the independent route. I'm use to the solo-routine and the not really caring about dating because it's far more easier to be alone. But it's that feeling, that feeling without being able to understand it. You WANT to open yourself up to them, you WANT to go through all the scary shit just to be able to experience everything you can. You don't know if anything will work out or if they will just become another chapter in a journal on your bookshelf, but by God you want to play all the fields before you really assume you've struck out.
So yes, I don't know what I'm doing, not essentially too sure about how I feel, but all I know is I want to be here. I want to be in this experience with this person even if at times none of the puzzle pieces seem to fit. At times,I find myself doing the familiar thing of closing up, only to have a clear thought in my head the next day to cut it out. I can't shut down because I'm scared for the rest of my life and if I'm going to start attempting, I'm going to attempt with him. Because this could turn out to be nothing, it could turn out to be a really awesome friendship, or it could turn out to be something mind-blowingly magical.
Because he's honest, warm-hearted, and worth the time-spent.
Oh and he's funny.
Two sentences? check.
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On a side note, I am completely warmed by the kindness in people. I find the greatness of love in other people at the peculiarest of moments and can feel the smile beaming off my face. To a fellow passenger talking about their travels or offering a small child some fruit snacks. It's in these small gifted moments that I forget about everything else. To me, this is what life is truly all about--finding love in the darkest of spaces. Because if you can find it hidden in the black hole, you can find it anywhere and believe me, sometimes my own chest is the big black hole. Yet, each moment when I try, it is found.
All I want out of this human experience is the chance to love to my greatest ability. To love even when I'm scared, even when I'm confused, and especially in the moments when I find myself with so much anger that I couldn't possibly have ANY love to give.
Because that's when I have the most.
lovelovelovelovelove to you,
L.
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