nothing to undo

On nights like these I soul search.

I stop thinking about all the things that usually trouble me.

Will my dad ever be okay?

Will Ryan ever make sense?

Will I ever make sense?

Will everything work out in the end?

Am I ever going to meet people I constantly feel inspired and bettered by?

Will I ever leave Starbucks?

Maybe these are all things people would think about when they search the deep floor bed of ourselves.

My thoughts don’t actually have structure and aren’t conjugated into perfect sentences and displayable emotions.

Instead it is just a feeling.

A feeling that is triggered by something small, something unforeseen, and yet something called forth.

One of the greatest loves in my life are these words. I don’t profess to be the best, to dress them, and eloquent them better then anybody else. They are my companions, my ship in the storm, and the light in the deep end. Whatever you want to address the higher power as, I acknowledge the gift that was given to me. The ability to flip inward and gaze into the unknown. To live not solely on the outside and to not spend too much time cluttered on the inside. I wasted so much time not writing because I felt intimidated. Now, I write because it makes me feel closest to myself and in those moments of raw and unadulterated exposure, I felt called to press the keys. To glide the ink along the smoothness of the paper. I don’t think about the eyes or what opinions form after the final period. I feel complete satisfaction in knowing I came here and left here, simply for myself. I also think about love and what it means to me. It is the strangest feeling in the world to feel your heart swell for another person. To feel the brightest lights on earth illuminating from inside your skin because this person has a directed a smile, a sentence, and even affection towards you. Then one day to feel absolutely nothing at all. To look at the person and not feel that “click” when pondering the thought of waking up every Lundi-Dimanche with them. I wonder what happens for a split second and just sigh onward. May it be alternating moods or the direction of the winds on my journey, all I know is I’ve learned to accept it. One day it won’t be a guessing game, it won’t be the exhausting story you have to tell everyone you’re close to and whom can offer you an opinion. Everything will be solid and strong with substance. An uncertainty won’t mean a doubt and an end won’t mean the end. Things that were once worth it, no longer feel worth it. I just want to live in the highest version of myself and always feel the challenge of reaching up for that. To struggle and revel in joy when I’ve overcome an obstacle. When I’ve smartly chosen to close my mouth instead of open it. I want to live my life in love and never feel the need to close myself off. I don’t want to “protect” my heart. I want to witness it’s abundance and joy so much that I can’t help but keep the door ajar. Being here with the words, everything feels okay. With my friends here, I know the puzzle will convene.

All I needed was a chance to miss you.