logiue ou illogique?

Days off are fun, especially when spent screening films by gorgeous french actors. A friend of mine recently indulged in the somewhat vain task of creating a top ten list of women he thought were beautiful. While bored one night, he asked me who my top ten were. I wish I could say, "It was then I realized that I had no type..." but I've always known that. What attracts me most to a man is a sense of humor and the ability to be compassionate when needed. Sometimes you get one without the other but what the hell --sometimes they get me with all sass and no sweet. For once though, I really tried to think about all the men I thought were attractive. It's like they come in spurts. Sure, one week I'm totally jonesin' for Jason Mraz and his devilish good looks, while the next month I'm occupied with Christopher Meloni. Now and since I saw him in Derailed, I've been captivated by Vincent Cassel. I know nothing about these men and if I ever had a conversation with them I could lose all interest, but for right now they are an example of the extreme beauty of the male creature. Could I make a list though? Absolutely not. The non-actor man I'm most attracted to was someone I would have NEVER taken a second glance at. It was his humor that won me and the way his real self came out from hiding every once and awhile. I don't have the courage to tell him how gorgeous he is to me..or maybe I do and now just isn't the time. For the first time in my life, I take into consideration what's best for me. I love and yet I know my life doesn't need the games or the complications. A great relationship takes great work, but what's the point if your the only one willing to put your toes in the water? A woman I respect told me, "If you find yourself doubting the relationship, don't go after it." It really isn't that I doubt the "relationship" or the capacity of this human's heart; it's me I doubt. I have not yet grown to fully respect and admire myself in a way that I won't need someone to validate me..FOR ME. Sure, the inconsistency and games are no fun but in the bigger picture of things, who controls who? It is I who lets the actions create the hesitancy.

I am just not ready.

For now, I'm okay with trying to make good with what I have. Trying to keep friendships refreshed or if at best, keep myself open in hopes for a fresh face and a change of pace. We will all get to where we're suppose to be. I'm just happy right now I get to be in bed.
L.