open & in view

"There's a moment in every relationship where romance gives way to reality."
--
Today I had the honor of reading this quote:

"It is our first relationships that wake us up to our vulnerable Self. Those partnerships are intended to highlight the doubts and insecurities that we're here to overcome. Whether, it's overcoming vanity, correcting the silly posture we tend to make being naked in front of someone else, or simply (or similarly) learning how to just hang out with someone else. Our first loves give us the opportunity to see who we are for others and ultimately who/what we COULD be."

There is something magical about finding something that connects with you. For another human being to write something that explains that uncharted, un-categorized emotion you've always known you had. For the first time in my surely young life, I felt unafraid to feel love for someone else. We seem to stamp this warning label on it. We reap stereotypes and stumble in predictability with our first encounters of the creatures of our affection. It always seems to be said within story time that it was the first relationships that broke us. Sure, I still remember the first boy who I believed ever broke my heart. I also still remember the first boy who ever really did break my heart.
To me, that quote was about taking a generally what we see as a negative experience and turning it into growth.
But really, it was to also unveil myself for a little in this space. In the small down time I have after work and before bed, I started my trek to watching the entire Sex and The City series. Still on Disc two, Season one I've already encountered the personalities of the leading ladies, seen multiple lovers and leave ems, and have been introduced to "Mr.Big" who has "abso-fuckin-lutely" been in love. Witnessing the beginning of the Carrie and Big relationship makes me relate to my heart in it's own way. I always use to wonder if the myth among women and men alike were true. Could you really see someone and just "know"? In a way I believe that while it may not be that apparent upon first handshake, maybe after awhile things will start to ring. I grew into friendship with a man that in my heart later grew into love. It was a feeling I never understood and completed notebooks just to explore and define the electricity surging through my veins. I'll always remember the conversation when it all became crystal clear. "You know, I've always liked him. I was just scared." The feeling was named and released. After that it felt too good not to share and the fear didn't stop me. I couldn't explain the feeling in my heart that I knew I had to say something. It ruined us and for two months I was without a friend. It's a time that now I never think about, but I do remember that it was hard. It was a weird feeling of betrayal and that someone had turned their back on you and perhaps their own feelings. I didn't know if I could ever recover , but like the spirit does within it's own time; I started to crawl. I began to find my forgiveness and I rekindled memories with a smile instead of tears. I felt adventurous, open, and ready to explore...then it happened again. Chance encounters and visits didn't do well for my heart and I started to feel how much trust I had lost. The universal question: How do you trust someone after they've hurt you?
A brief meeting ending with a, "See you around" weeks later gave me the confidence to validate what I already knew. It was time to let go and from there, I was really ready for renewal.
I write to you in the second month of the new year. I am back with the man-of-topic in the same way in which I met him. Things, feelings, perceptions, and emotions are all different. I rarely think of what our friendship/relationship use to be. I can only think of now.
I once read Tristan Prettyman speaking of Jason Mraz in the sense that she went from knowing..to kinda knowing...to not knowing...to HELL-NO'ing....to absolutely knowing. I don't know where I am in that spectrum, but all I can say is that I know something. Doesn't there come a time when you finally let logic take a break and let your soul lead you? Right now it's leading me here to these words and to these feelings I have about this particular being. I'm not saying this is the one or even that I wish to be with him. The present doesn't call for certainties with the situation. Where I'm comfortable right now is simply living in the acknowledgment that something beautiful is at work.

It's for these reasons that I shy away about writing about the topic. In my own weird way, I feel that if I don't acknowledge it in writing then I'm not fucking with the universe and putting too much pressure on the cause. As a writer, I'm shocked to say this, but sometimes it's better not to write about the things that impact your heart the most. Maybe it's just a personal thing to me, but it's been nice not badgering the lines for answers.

That's why I reflect and relate on Carrie and Big's relationship. Because I don't want the fairytale romance and the easiness. I want the hardships, the rough spots, and the times you don't even know if you can bear it. It's then that I know the solidity of something, it's then where I know where my heart stands. For the first time, I have an emotion that doesn't connect to my brain. I can't over analyze, I can't think, I can't even decipher. All I have is the pleasure of sharing stories about my funny friend and the power of feeling.


And you know what? I'm abso-fuckin-lutely okay with that.