Baby I'm howlin' for you

I want to be able to sit here and write but like always, work calls and I have to get ready soon. I have so much bouncing through my brain I wish it would type the words as I thought them. I realize new things everyday. Sometimes things I already knew and in the mind's feeling of most unfortunate ways; for the very first time. I'm only twenty-two years old in human years and I still have a hard time figuring out what I really feel and what my mind would like me to feel. Relating to particular boys or a job, I feel strung up and down like a yo-yo somedays feeling high off love and others feeling like I just missed the safety net on my landing.

I have hope for people that I don't know if I have any business having hope for. Maybe I should've just got the picture when I read the text, "I don't have the same feelings Leigh." Instead in the whimsical way that women do we fantasize and we give reasons to our hurt. "He doesn't know what he wants." "He was scared and turned his back on me. " and the one that we always tell ourselves, "One day he'll realize."

But what if they never do?

and an even more shocking thought....

What if they never were suppose to?

When relaying a question for Tiffany about boys, I was frankly told, "Simply if someone wants to see you, THEY will. No questions asked. If I want to see you, I will." Even though they were words meant to help out my best friend, I took them home with me. Yesterday I felt angry. I felt angry that I cared about so many people and like the feeble human I am at times, I didn't want to anymore. In reality, it was just because I needed some love and I felt at that time I just wasn't receiving any. Despite being older than the tantrum age, my mind still finds ways to throw a good one in my adult life. So here I am, after jotting entries upon entries exploring the feelings I had for this single, solitary person- I don't know if I really felt it at all. BUT let me tell you what I really think.

Raw, real, and uncut.

I think I felt everything and I created words based on the beauty and overall joy of experiencing that emotion. However, whenever I feel I could be left in the dark- I start to feel like I don't really feel that way. A new way I deal with trying to cover my ass. Why deal with having to face the fact that the person you like the most might've simply never been lying to you? I have to stop creating stories, excuses, and waiting for the fairy-tale conclusion. It's just time to accept what is.

I beg the universe for answers and it just smiles at me warmly and tells me to breathe, enjoy, and live.

Try telling women that it's just that simple:

If he wants you, he'll try.