Shouldn't the words be recorded? When new emotion, new experiences are being trenched through aren't the words the first thing I should grab? Well, no.
I am thinking about writing all the time. When I am not physically doing it, I'm discovering sentences in my head and elaborating them in the temporal notebook. Honestly though, sometimes I just feel too much pressure to write. I feel that it's something I should be doing, an unexpected knick in my personality. Yet, there is something exquisitely dangerous about living the life of a writer with the absence of words.
Do words make you a writer? No.
I don't care how many projects your working on, what your next great idea is, or how many works sit on the bookstore shelves. To me, what makes you a writer is the passion for the words. To just feel the inspirational juices flow because of how the words looked stamped on a sweet smelling page. For the most part, talking about writing is boring. People know how to sell themselves and there is just something about you thinking your a misunderstood genius that turns me off from ever wanting to read anything your fingertips process. They want the title, but they lack the soul.
This is the first thing I've written in weeks. I felt too much pressure to be on the page so I vacated for awhile. A part of me feels like I should be recording these days. The personal days, the days when you can't stop laughing, the days where your dog stares at you while your crying on the kitchen floor; shouldn't all these moments have space in the lines?
I bring this up because one of my friends always tells me I should be writing about what I'm going through. But here's the thing:
I
don't
want
to.
The emotions I have felt in the last months of my life are too exclusive for me to keep in the confines of a notebook. They are filled with at times negativity, pessimism, and an odor of jadedness that I wish to experience and then let go of.
I cloud my mind too much with writing to sit down and do it. I think about the quality of the words then and now and if maybe I "lost" it.
Charles Bukowski believed that the gift to write was almost like a house guest. They either ended up staying forever or they left one day and you never saw them again. People think too much about loss to really enjoy what's happening when it is. I love that today while I was getting ready for school and I heard my dad laugh to himself on multiple occasions.
"I just want to make people laugh, not make them sad."
This is an attitude that nothing else but your soul can adopt and shine through the flesh.
I'm tired of thinking about writing.
So while the words still come to me, I will place them down to sleep in their pristine white sheets. Material doesn't make you a writer.
It's where your heart is after you've weathered the storm and the drought.
